Episode 02: Why I Didn’t Delete This Episode
In this heartfelt episode, Amy opens up about her spiritual journey, sharing her struggles and breakthroughs as she learns to trust God completely. She candidly talks about the internal battle between human nature and spiritual faith, and how she is learning to surrender to God's plan despite uncertainty and fear.
Through moments of raw honesty and reflection, Amy encourages listeners to stand firm in their faith, even when the path is difficult.
She acknowledges her personal growth and the challenges she faces, aiming to inspire others to lean on God and move forward with unwavering trust.
In This Episode:
00:00 Introduction and Purpose
00:18 Realization and Struggle
01:30 Faith and Trust in God
02:38 Acknowledging the Hardships
03:26 Personal Reflections and Growth
05:50 Podcast Beginnings
06:26 Honesty and Vulnerability
09:00 Challenges and Acceptance
11:02 Letting Go and Moving Forward
18:38 Physical Pain and Letting Go
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🎵 Check out these songs
➺ “Nothing Else” Cody Carnes
➺ “Oh My Soul (Psalm 103) TobyMac & CeCe Winans
➺ “Honest Conversation” Katy Nichole
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TRANSCRIPT - EP. 02
Hi, I'm Amy, and this is a space where I'll be sharing how God is refining my life one day at a time. I invite you to join me on this journey as we learn to see ourselves and our surroundings through His eyes versus our own. Let's get started.
Hey, guys. I wanted to come on here first before the actual footage of this next podcast because I feel like it needs an explanation before jumping right into it. Um, this is the moment where I'm realizing what I've been waiting for this whole time, can never be revealed until I take this step into unknown territory. I was kind of getting to that point when I was recording the first episode, but it literally was sinking in during this one.
To put it bluntly... it's almost like I've been in some type of face off with God and not in a purposeful way. But as I'm recording, I'm realizing, no, that's actually pretty much what you've been doing. And it hurts to admit that because I've worked really, really hard on trying to follow, and I've done my best at that. at that.
I wanna do my best at being a testimony to what that looks like. But I was like waiting for him to show me more so I could feel - ready. So, I could have some reassurance.
And I think that was disappointing to me, and you'll see it and you'll hear it throughout this episode because, after all this work, how am I still not trusting that HE is the reassurance. Him saying, move forward. It's your time to go, IS the reassurance, but I've been wanting more. Like, almost like that wasn't enough for me, but the more I prolonged it, the more other things that have taken my attention have started to fall apart. Because it's not where I should be focusing, and I'm just trying to wait it out. I'm waiting for him to show his cards so I can have comfort. It makes me sad ... to admit that. And human. It's human to feel that way.
But as a Christian, that's not how I'm wanting to live. And through this journey, that's not what I wanna do anymore. Although I feel like I've come a really long way, and I'm happy for all of that growth, and I think it was totally necessary that I had all of that growth with Him and the partnership and the connection with Him - so that I could step into this properly. Not completely prepared.
Not even hardly prepared but prepared enough... to where he can do something with it. But he can do something with ANYTHING. And that’s the mind game. That's the battle. That's the internal battle. Human nature, worldly things, what makes sense to us on that level, versus spiritual.
I think this is a testament to how difficult this process can be at certain times. I'm gonna acknowledge that. I'm gonna show you that and I'm gonna keep stepping into it so that we can all see the other side... of when you put 100%
FAITH and TRUST in God as scary as some of those moments are, how does it work out? There's gonna be hard parts and I need to remind myself of that too. It's not a cakewalk. It's how you show your faithfulness to God. It's not supposed to be easy. It was, it's never been easy. You look all the way back in biblical times. It's never been easy. It's been a lot harder than what I'm doing right now. It's been a lot harder. Like, I can't even imagine how it was to live back then. ugh, no, thank you.
I just I wanted to come on here and explain that before you see one of probably many more breakdowns um, to know if you're finding it difficult. To take some of those really big steps in your faith... to stand up for what you know is right in whatever area that's resonating with you, as I say it, maybe it's multiple levels that he's calling you to kind of stand up in your faith and stay strong.
It's not always easy and I think at those moments it's not supposed to be because he wants to see you're faithful to Him- even in the hard. That you don't just give up in the hard and when things feel uncertain, and upsetting, and difficult, and unexplainable, and scary - that you don't just give up on Him.
Because that would be the worst decision that I could make right now. To say, this is too hard. I don't like this feeling, so I'm not doing it. I can go figure something else out that will make me feel more comfortable doing and I'm just gonna go do that. And that's what I was speaking to the last episode, is sometimes we become, okay with letting our agenda take over when things get hard, or letting our stubbornness, or our fill in the blank take over and keep us from moving forward with the Lord.
Now if a thought just popped up in your head, of like, oh yeah, I do that when I'm out in public. I do that when I'm this, I don't represent... in whatever way that looks like,
HE'S tugging on your heart saying, " Do the hard thing, and see what happens."
Like I said, I'll go first. Man, I hope this works out ... and if it doesn't, I'm also, I'm not gonna give up! There's, there's that. I'm not gonna give up. I'm gonna wait and hear what else is out there for me. But I really do feel like this is the calling on my heart. So, geez, it's a lot of pressure. Maybe I'm doing this all wrong, but I'm going with it.
Don't let Satan win. You can cry. You can be sad. You can be upset. You can be irritated. You can be frustrated. You can be all those things, and you can bring all that to God and He's there to hear it, and work through it with you, but you can't hold it against Him and then turn your back. That's where a lot of Christians go wrong.
And I could absolutely do that right now, but I'm gonna keep pushing forward as hard as it is, which this episode will be a true testimony to that.
All right. As always you guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for taking the time, honestly.
There are so many other podcasts that you could be filling your free time with, and I just really appreciate you're choosing to do that here with me. It's not lost on me. So... that’s that! Welcome to FOUND & REFINED, episode two. Here we go!
Oh, thank goodness I just checked that the mic was on. I have heard so many people say that that's a problem. Oh my gosh. And what the heck? Can you not have, like, glasses on when you're doing podcasting? Because, like, look, you can see me seeing me in my glasses. What do people do? They don't wear glasses.
Look, there's the ring. All right. Well, that's distracting. Thank you, guys, for being here I have no idea as you know, where this is going to take us and I appreciate you being along for the ride. So welcome to episode. dos.
I want to start just by being completely open and honest Because that's what I want this podcast to be, and I believe that that's what, it's supposed to be. I am. extremely serious about making sure that this podcast comes with a sense of, comfort and honesty and to know that this isn't a place where you need to feel like you've got it all together and actually this is a place where hopefully you feel okay with the times when you don't have it together and you feel encouraged and you feel like you can lean on God and he will get you through those hard times.
We can uplift each other, but ultimately, he's going to get you through that stuff and you need to start putting it in your brain to lean on him and give it to him in times of despair or trouble or hardships or imperfection or mess ups or any of that stuff that we all do on a regular basis, myself of course included, which I'm so wonderfully going to be sharing all of those great mess ups with you.
Um, which is uncomfortable, but I am sure I'll get used to it. It's fine. It's fine. That's why I keep telling myself it's fine. Uh, so anyways, today, I wanna take you back. I, I wish so badly that I could tell you I've come such a long way on this journey. Um, I really wish I could, and in some ways, I definitely have as it. Pertains to like my relationship with the Lord and my bond and, feeling like the Holy Spirit is just like on fire inside of me and praying for that to get bigger and bigger as this time goes on. That's been extraordinarily awesome. It’s been so cool.
I feel really happy with the progress that I've made there. That's all internal, right? Um, but as far as like where I've come in life from an outside perspective. That's all internal, right? The, the growth that I've had with the Lord and with my relationship. That was all, that's all internal. That's all in my heart. That's all in my head. That's all in my, my, my being, like who I am as a, person on the inside. And it will reflect, of course, on the outside and has this is ultimately the peace that I felt just through this journey, while still being in a ton of chaos.
I've just felt peaceful and that part is super cool and that part people can see. But outside of that, um, I would love to say that the moment I heard God tell me what to do, I ran and did it. You know how many times that if I had heard someone say like God told me to, oh my gosh. I mean even, let's just say look, like when I would read about, Moses. He's like seeing and hearing God and how many times over and over.
He is like, um, excuse your servant, but I'm not the one, I think you've got the wrong person. I think you've got the wrong person. And I remember being so frustrated, like to only have the opportunity, run for it. Go for it. What are you doing? Don't fight that like you see you like it's all in front of you.
The burning bush, the Lord, like like obviously you're capable. God says you're capable. Now go and until you're in the moment, I have realized you really can't judge that type of thing. And maybe there are people, there are people who just, like, they hear something, and they run for it. Me, I like to gather information.
I like to feel extremely equipped. I like to, you know, have facts behind me so I can know what I'm going up against or what I'm walking into or what I like to be prepared. And it makes me super uncomfortable if I'm not, so in most situations, like to be prepared if I'm gonna be the one being put on the spot.
Some very adventurous, human beings out there are like, alright, I got it, let's go. You know, like run towards it. And I feel like I give those people a lot of credit and that type of person, actually, you know what?
I did do that.
Huh? I did do that. I did that. I did that. I…..that's so interesting. When I heard the Lord tell me, do podcasting and stuff like that, I ran with it. I ran so fast, I ran past his plan, straight into my plan, which defeats the entire purpose. I continually, yeah, I continually got it wrong and my impatience. That's so funny that I forgot about this. I fell on my face so many times. Huh.
Do you wanna know what's really hard?
It's really hard…for me, given my life experiences To blindly…trust anything.
As a Christian, I never would've thought that. One day
That sucks.
Ugh,
I never thought that I would be asked…to blindly follow Him blindly, completely, give up all control. And follow, and I would say I've done like an okay job at times, but I’ve never given a hundred percent.
So, This is my a hundred percent.
This is that last whatever percent I wasn't doing this podcast. This is what gets me to that a hundred percent. And nothing, there are certain areas of my life that are, were are never gonna move forward. Oh my gosh, you guys, this is like, not how every podcast is gonna be. I promise you. This is just the aha moments and I'm. in the raw truth of it, but there have been things that I've wanted to move forward so badly. Um. That can’t until I, until I do this part. So here I am completely, um, clueless… in a lot of ways s to what's gonna come next.
This is what I've been fighting against for a good year and a half, if not.
I wish I could say actually that I'm like excited about it. But I'm not there yet. I'm not excited. I can't be excited yet because I'm terrified because there's a lot of unanswered questions it would be so much easier if it was just like me as a young person on my own without, Any big responsibilities, right?
So that just makes it an even bigger leap of faith.
I asked for this, and I believe in it, so This is what I wanted. I wanted a big change in my life. I want to be living the life that I was created to live. And every ounce of my being, no matter how hard I tried to control and make the life that I wanted, that I thought was right for me. It didn't matter how much effort I put into that; it was…never gonna happen.
You know, I love the Lord, I've always loved the Lord. I don't blame him negatively for anything that's happened in my life. I believe that everything that's happened in my life, I believe this to the core, everything that's happened in my life, good, the bad. HE’s been there for me. In the worst, in the worst times. You guys, this is the worst second podcast I think made ever in the history of podcasting. I'm like sniffling in your ear. I'm so sorry. Oh my gosh. I don't doubt him.
Let's be really really clear about that. I don't doubt him. Gosh, I completely… I completely doubt myself.
I just seriously wanna help. However, that looks... I love doing it. I've always loved doing it.
I like... I but like…I thought this was gonna be with furniture refinishing. I thought I was gonna help people by showing how God was gonna help me do furniture refinishing. And throughout this process that has been completely stripped away from me.
And I don't blame him for that. I get it. Like I couldn't get it off my mind because I literally couldn't think of myself doing or being good at anything else that it had to be that. And in order for me to get that outta my head, it, it like had to be taken.
And I get that, but it leaves me in an even more vulnerable spot. so, I pushed up against that. I've fought it like as much as I can, and, um, It's just been made more obvious that that part of my life is done. And He like, it almost just like left my heart. It almost just, it's something I love doing so much and I'll probably always love it, but even like with whatever's going on medically, like I can't even physically do it anymore. Like First it was my clients, then it was, um. No…
It just all kind of like just ended. It was this last client that I took on most recently that became so clear. It was painful. It was painful to work on her things. Um, I. Like not mentally painful, like li physically painful. Uh, and, and it was just like this eye-opening moment of like, I physically can't even do this job anymore right now. I'm always gonna say like, like, right now, because anything could change…….